Whoa! Ok, you are now firing a gun at your imaginary friend near 400 gallons of nitroglycerin!
– Tyler Durden

When I look out the window at work, I imagine shooting the people in the next building over, throwing water balloons or mooning them. I just want to cause a reaction and make others realize that I do exist. But mostly, I want to punch them all in other to express the rage and oblivion I feel inside. To selfishly make them all feel the same hopelessness I feel.

These last few months have been so hard. Every month since I left the comforts of academia, I’ve had a total emotional breakdown. And as much as I desperately didn’t want the world to see, my skin can’t hide the sadness very well. I’ve become dulled and uninspiring. The ugliness shows in my designs, the weariness shows on my face when I go to a job I hate, the weakness shows when I am with friends. I am unhappy with the cards that Life has dealt me. I am unhappy with the decisions I have made. I am trying so hard to make things right again and get back to where I was a year ago. But all I can do right now is wait. My life and future is in the hands of strangers everyday.

I blame a lot of people, but mostly, I blame myself for being so naïve. I’m blogging this now in order to be honest with myself and with others. Perhaps, reach out to others and blindly feel in the chaos of the Internet a connection that we’re not alone in this state of transition.

I can’t forgive you, the people who put me here, ever. I (still) feel so used, abandon, rejected, and betrayed. And yet, I know that ultimately, all of this was a lesson that needed to be learned. Trust should have been earned and not have been given so easily. I truly thought we were somehow friends. I hate you all.

Took the LAST on Saturday. Right after the test, Gary and I headed out to Boston for a bit and went clubbing with Sylvia and Rudi. I had a grand ol’ time. Pictures are up on Facebook, if you want to see. It was a good end to a really stressful week. I really can’t wait to be a teacher. I taught my first SCPS class last week and it was such a great feeling to know that I was in my “element”. Being at the head of the classroom was where I belong. Not behind some desk. The students were really into the lesson and were really responsive. Man, I really want my Ph.D. and provisional certificate. Hell, why not throw in a J.D. while I’m at it.

One day, I’m going to make something of myself. In the meantime, I thoroughly finish the Metamorphoses. It was a really great read. I’m moving on the Virgil. Latin. That’s what I need to do too. I need to learn Latin. All this prep for my thesis paper on Shakespeare. I miss school so much.

Oh, and my site is still dead because I can’t seem to get FTP access. I haven’t had a chance to complain to my new host, but hopefully I’ll get the chance to soon.

Left foot, right foot… *fall* *get up* Left foot, right foot…

My coworkers at the new place are weird…one guy said, “Success is like a fart. You only like your own.” This was in regards to some acquaintance they knew who recently received thirty million dollars for a deal. One guy. One check. My god.

Does it smell in here?

I wanted to write something here about friendship, love lost and found. About great adventures and tell the world how wonderful it is to be alive. I wanted to write something here about my art as a writer. That my canvas is the human mind, my paints – imagination. Somehow, it all sounded wonderful in my head. I wanted to write about how we must cherish the moments we spend with others because we never know when the end might come. I wanted to say how I cherished ever single friendship I had and have. I wanted to say how each is like a candle, some flames burn out too quickly, others seem to burn for all time.

Somehow, between the time I thought about writing my prose and the time I am taking to write, I lost those pretty words. My paints simply faded away. It was in my mind a wonderful tapestry of friendship and love. The friends I made along the way became the threads of this beautiful tapestry. However, through this winding road of words, I am left with a few. Serendipity is my patron saint. A toast to friendship.

My hosting died. Currently moving things around. Hopefully, I’ll get things up and running again. Thank goodness I saved my databases!!!

I have to admit though, having a blog on wordpress.com is pretty convenient and this layout is just fantastic!